Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
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i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?