People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
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the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
“Theirye’re” problem solved
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.