*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
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subtitles are so good nowadays
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence