Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
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North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain