Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
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Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
Well, shit
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
Personal question. #JustSaying
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?