Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
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Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
The future is now.
Driving in Europe vs Canada
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore