[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
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I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
Sometimes I will do a very simple self-care thing like putting lotion on my hands before bed and be like “that was so easy, I will do this every day” and then forget that I even have hands for the next 6 years.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
I beg your pardon?
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.