I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
You Might Also Like
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch