January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
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My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no