dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
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I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”