squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
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My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”