I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
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JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?