Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
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sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me: