The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
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The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
If you know, you know
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
my one true gender
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.