One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
You Might Also Like
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?