The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
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I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE