If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
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Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
…
…
…
…
…
…
2015: Taco Emoji!
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.