Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
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I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
had to share :’)
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit