Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
You Might Also Like
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
.
.
.
.
I still have Pringles?
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white