Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
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He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
Bless you
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.