It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
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*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
Jesus Christ lmao
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.