I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
You Might Also Like
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
scrabbled eggs
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech