Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
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Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
Okey dokey.
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist