I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
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My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
Extremely relatable.
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”