The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
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Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?