Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
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The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.