You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
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Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
Unexpected Judgment
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.