January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
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Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome