DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
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[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
Mission: Impossible
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
No regrets in 2018
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.