I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
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[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
adam and eve had first world problems
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
🤣dope
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught