People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
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Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”