(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
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CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
When I snag the last meatball.
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen