Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
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There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
I have two kinds of followers
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
Important reminders
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!