Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
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Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca