Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
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[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
Born to be mild.
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.