‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
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“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
50 shades of grey = my Liver
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
The struggle is real
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
The news
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’
This used to be a real country.
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.