Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
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In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.