This might be the funniest tweet ever
You Might Also Like
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
The legends speak of a third Duran…
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.