Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
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My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*