I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
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I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
Human are so complicated
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.