DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
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*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
greetings!
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in