The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
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Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.