Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
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To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.