[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
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I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”