My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
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took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
Make new friends? bro out of what?
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.