My body is a temple
for potatoes.
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Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
OKAY DAD
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
*gets down on one knee*
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…