I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
You Might Also Like
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”