The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
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[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
Meow
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
found this cool rock hiking today
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.