Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
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How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.