“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
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Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.